I constantly give myself a hard time for doing or not doing things. It's exhausting. Do you have this problem? I can't be the only one. It's always: I'm eating too much of this/not enough of this, I need to wait until this noon to eat lunch, I did this 4 times already this week and I can't do it today, I took a nap on Tuesday which means I can't be tired today and on and on. 'sigh' Ridiculous.
It also seems to apply to relationships. I've already been in two long term relationships and several micro-relationships so I can't be happy with this one. And, what if this doesn't work out and this is my last chance and I'm going to be old and horrible and no one will want me and I don't have time to waste on a relationship that isn't going to work out and I'm exhausted. Goodness gracious!! (Wow, do I live in the future.)
I need to learn how to eat that dessert and not freak out (one dessert isn't going to kill me), eat lunch when I'm hungry, take a nap if I'm tired, wear that t-shirt and shorts if it's hot and let myself fall into something that feels exciting and safe (safe in an "I'm not worried you're screwing me over behind my back" kind of safe).
After relationship #1 ended, I literally thought I was going to die (yes, I meant to use the word literally). I was in physical pain because I was so heart broken. It was awful. Then after relationship #2 (Chico's dad) ended, I couldn't believe I'd been duped again. I thought we were a team and he just left me! I mean, we had a dog together!
I feel like I'm about to get into #3. But, I'm scared. I'm not as naive as I was before the other two. I know what's on the line (my sanity?). Just like the lunch or the two-piece bathing suit or the fun (in graduate school you aren't allowed too much fun, you know?) I'm afraid I'm going to get my heart broken again. Even though #1 shattered my life, I opened my heart for Chico's dad. Give love a chance, I said. Devastation ensued.
I have no solution to this post. Just sayin'. I'm freaked out right now. But I want to use that old cliche and "love like I've never been hurt" (even though love isn't even on the table right now, you know what I'm saying). Thoughts?