I read a great blog post today, by Stephanie at Kind of Broken, about accepting my body as it is. It started off by discussing the fear of asking a doctor for a handicapped thing for the car out of fear of public judgement. I have this fear. It's difficult and painful for me to walk from the back of the parking lot with nothing to lean on, but I'm so young and I don't look sick.
In this rollercoaster of feelings I have about my illness, I believe I'm heading up toward a higher peak. Acceptance for this round of emotions has me feeling more peaceful than I have in weeks, maybe months. In Stefanie's essay, she talks about seeing yourself as disabled and what that means. She says she eased into it. I don't use the scooter grocery thing because the one time I did, I got a lot of stares and weird looks. Even though I have to use the regular cart as a walker and rest a lot.
My doctor thinks he knows what I have and I've been researching it. I may never be able enough to work a full time job again. This is so sad. I love what I do (most of the time) and I worked my ass off in school to get where I am. I had a great career and a dream job at a dream company when I got sick. I'm learning that part of getting okay with myself about my illness is getting okay with the loss of what I think my life should look like. I'm letting go of the life I saw for myself and trying accepting the life I actually have.